Last night, you proceed to let me know that you think I don't want to have sex anymore or find you attractive. Your words were mean and ugly, typical for when you are drinking.
Your email to me this morning:
Sorry about what I said last nite. Guess I should learn to keep my mouth shut, esp when I've been drinking. Just seems like you don't want or haven't wanted to have sex in a long time. Not sure if it's because you aren't attracted to me anymore, or what the reason is. I know I've gotten out of shape but I'm trying, even twice a day some days, to get back to where I was. Not sure what else to do about it. But I love you, and I'll do whatever it takes to make/keep you happy, you know that.
The response I sent to you:
is my fault and I will do better. You don't need to be sorry, I should just
get over it and know that when you're drinking you say things I should
ignore.
I love you too
Sadly, you didn't even question what I said, how I said it or anything. I was RIGHT.ON in my feelings of not sending THIS:
If you seriously think that is the case, then we have a big problem.
I thought it was understood that until the IUD is in, we're trying to refrain from actual sex so there's no chance of another pg. That happens next week.
I try to touch you at night (in bed), you stiffen up and eventually move away. I feel like the only time you touch me is to grope my tits.
Unfortunately, you have made it clear that it doesn't matter if my hormones are all screwed up (and they are STILL adjusting, it doesn't take a day, it takes months), so I have been trying to get past the fact that I have no desire whatsoever for any physical contact (from you, from me, from anyone), because I have little people touching me all.day.long. I try to ignore that and make it a point to welcome touch from you and enjoy it. You may not understand it and you will most likely take all that the wrong way, but it is what I am dealing with and don't feel like I can talk to you about it.
I could care less if you gain 50 lbs and lose all your hair and your teeth fall out. I am not about how you look...that is NOT what drives my attraction to you. I love you and when you are truly loving in return, I feel more ability to love. When it feels like you are forcing it (because frankly, most of the time you act like you don't want to be here at.all), it is really difficult for me to pretend that all is ok and I am feeling like doing anything with you.
I don't mind you gaining some weight and having a bit of a belly, because quite frankly, that makes me feel a little bit better about myself and how hard it is to lose this weight, deal with my lack of metabolism, deal with the pain I've never had before in all my joints and deal with how different (again) my body is after this baby.
On top of all of that, I am afraid that I am screwing up the kids, that I will wake up one day to find my oldest daughter dead in her room, that our younger one is going to be scarred for life from my wild mood swings that I am unable to control, the crying jags I have during the day when it is just too overwhelming and she won't listen and I can't get her because I'm nursing the baby, the inability to get everything coordinated so I can go walk in the park, the inability to get trained and start this business, the inability to find myself again and finally, the inability to connect with you. I see the pattern and it fucking scares me.
I love you too, but what you said last night hurt me and made me not like you. There is so much going on and I don't feel like we're a team with any of it. I feel like you are my boss and I'm on the verge of losing my job, so I am trying to do everything and not accomplishing anything and digging a deeper hole.
sigh...anyway...all that ^ to finally get to: it is my fault and I will do better. You don't need to be sorry, I should just get over it and know that when you're drinking you say things I should ignore.
I fucking hate this life right now and keep wondering why I am still here.
