Where to begin? Lack of respect = lack of love. I don't feel respected or valued. I am sick of being a married, single parent. I don't understand the mentality that he works all day out of the home, and that I don't need a break too.
I can't even get my words to formulate into coherent thoughts.
I suck as a wife/mom/person. I keep throwing myself into projects to avoid looking at how unhappy I am. I am neglectful of my kids, prefering the cold, impersonalization of the internet over spending time with my children. I have more times than not, tried to figure out a way to leave them all without feeling so guilty and cannot do it. I love my children, I do. But right now, my 3-year-old tests me beyond my patience limits. I get so angry with her because she wants my time and attention and I don't want anything to do with her. I don't want to play with her, I don't want to be around her. I wonder where my love of this child, whom I adored as a newborn, baby, infant and toddler has gone. I have days when the anger is so consuming I consider hurting her. I can see myself doing something terrible to her, then I fall apart because no mother should feel this way about their child. I have intense guilt over feeling the surge of anger and the terrible thoughts that follow. Then I look at the new baby and wonder if I will feel the same feelings toward her and it KILLS me inside to even think that way. I know the 3-year-old is jealous of the time and attention the new baby gets. Yet I find myself doing other things when the baby is asleep (this blog post for example), so I don't have to spend time with the 3-year-old.
I am neglectful of my marriage. We are broke, spiraling down into a depth of debt that I don't know how we'll get out of. I don't feel like I can say anything to him about it, because he takes everything I say as an accusation, when I am trying to ask him to help me get us out of this. We are both out of control with spending and talking about budgeting or not spending throws him into a mood that is unbearable.
The drinking is disgusting. I am so sick of it. Why he thinks that being drunk makes him attractive to me is beyond me. He seems to misunderstand that I feel like I am not even worth being married to, let alone being sexy, so my lack of desire is my own personal hell to work through, yet he believes it's about him and that I don't find him attractive. How do you explain to someone with an overblown self-esteem that you have none and feel worthless? Faking it doesn't work anymore...his words said in drunkness and anger still haunt me and ring in my ears. Every move I make toward raising my self-esteem get shattered when the spite and hate reverberate in my memory.
sigh....FML is so wrong to say, but so fitting. I have so many things to truly be thankful for, yet with all the the crap bearing down that I can't seem to get my head around and over...I can't see those things to be thankful for.
Lastly, the club. I wish I had never encouraged him to join. I love the majority of the people we have met through the club, but I hate what it is doing to us. Of course, they are more fun. They don't have small children at home to take care of, they can drink and go to titty bars and pretend they are something different than what they really are and act like their vows don't mean anything. It's not anything I really want to be a part of anymore.
