Since you shared how you feel, my mind is spinning. I have no idea what to do with this information. I cannot ignore it or pretend it hasn't been said. You've said it before, but I thought it was drunkenness colliding with bad times at home. But this time, you have made it clear it's not a drunken fantasy, it's real. We've discussed it and realized it is not one-sided. The attraction is there, it has always been there. I've never allowed myself to really acknowledge it, because we were both married. But now, I'm separated and the thoughts won't stop.
One stolen kiss in the moonlight and all I can do is replay your words, the way your hands felt on my face, the taste of your kiss and all of the passion behind it. I hate myself for wanting more, knowing the devastation and pain that would come. I hate myself for stopping you, even though we both know it was the right thing to do. I want to do it again. I want you to call me and tell me to meet you outside. I want you...I just want you and this time, I'm afraid I won't get what I want.
Even now, just remembering it, I have to stop and catch my breath, slow my heart rate and clear my head. The memory invades my mind 24/7. I think about you constantly during the day and dream about you all night.
I am jealous that you have someone else. I have no right to be jealous, but I want you to belong to me. I hate hearing the stories, the words you have said to her because you never thought I would be available to you. I hate that you didn't believe in your love enough to tell me sooner, before you met her, because that would have given us a chance.
As I immerse myself in that one memory, it spirals into a longing that I feel to my core. I dream about waking up to find you sliding into my bed, holding me through the night. I envision our love-making, wild and passionate that becomes loving and tender. I can feel you walk up behind me and wrap me in your arms. I can hear you inhaling the scent of my hair, kissing the nape of my neck...turning me around to kiss me, deeply and so thoroughly, in a way I have never been kissed before. I see us together and I want that so badly. I see us doing things together, enjoying each other. Playing, laughing, being happy. I hear you say I love you and it causes a quickening and quieting at the same time.
Being around you is torturous. Hearing you tell me you avoid me when I'm around is devastating. Knowing that when I'm around you, I can't look at you for fear everyone will see what I am thinking and feeling. Knowing that I can't trust myself to tell you I love you the same way you say it to me because I will cry.
Hearing you tell me you know I won't be single for long and seeing the sadness in your eyes killed me. If you could tell me there is a way and that you are working on it so that we can be together, I would wait. I would happily wait for you.
I don't know where to go from here. I want to talk to you every day, I want to kiss you every day, feel you hold me every day. My wanting is killing me and I don't know how to handle it.
